My son open a door, with his exit.

I was in goa, reached with heavy rainfall, thats what i wanted when i went to goa last year.
the day i reached it started raining heavily, and i fell ill the same day.
i am recovering from illness and the day i recovered, my sister called...
sister - tappu, sunday is not well.
sunday is my sons name we adopted him 5 years back.
as i got to know that sunday is not well, i dropped my plan to south India and took a train back to ahmedabad.
my sister bought him to ahmedanad the same day i reached and we consulted few doctors.
his organs are not working properly.
blood test again, ultra sound and tablets and treatment going on there.
we are staying at my friends place in ahmedabad, he has stopped barking too now.
but i remember the moment i saw him, he was so happy and he forgot about his illness.
we consulted 3 dr, few said lets treat for a week, and i had to push tablets in his mouth.
he is getting injected everyday. he is not ready to go for that shit.
Dr said he is on his last stage now.
i knew we had to be strong and we came back home.
he stopped eating, and kept puking on the way sitting on my lap.
he just always wanted to be with me, if i move he gets up.
we have traveled a bit together, but he is week since starting.
choosy and sensitive always.

we reached home, and gathered back his energy little bit and he barked for a moment.
then he lay down again.
i tried feeding him, but he has given up eating now.

2 days later his back body even got weaken, he tried walking but couldn't walk properly.

i still took him out for a walk, he always loved it.
when i took this word (ghoomne) to roam, he stood up.

we walked together near by that tree where that road is not busy. jimmy a stray dog Sunday's friend always comes to meet him, and he started crying with his head up.
i took him in my arms to that road and he tried walking with his full energy. he walked and sat down under that tree for a while, spent our few moments there.

its evening now i am sitting near by him, my eyes are stuck on his breath, its getting slower and slower, and he is not even closing his eyes, as i took his name sunday, he is moving his tail slowly.

my dad came back home, he saw him as he entered and like before he does not even get up and react, my dad came and called him sunday, how are you, he got up and walked 3 steps with his head down sat near by my dad's foot.
i can still feel that moment right now and it goes deep inside me.

now the day when i called Dr here and he asked did he pee, i said ya he did, and then Dr said its good that he peed bring him to my clinic, lets go for blood test again.

and reports are real bad again.
still Dr said, tappu he will be fine.
i knew what he is saying, and i hope he knew too why.

i am sitting near by a lake having chai, and on the other side one couple.
we exchanged few words then she asked me to sit with her.
we had our conversation, and all i could remember now is she talked about a animal shelter home.
and head and after a while i had this real strong feeling to go back to sunday.

As i reached sunday ran towards me with his weak walk and not even balanced.
we sat near by me, and i kept him in my lap.
i felt he was waiting for me, he is in my lap, his body started shivering.
i am holding him, my brain started panicking.
he is looking at me with those eyes, i still remember, and his ears bend down.

he is panicking i am panicking i know i know, its the time now.
but still i don't wanna take it.
i took him to Dr clinic.
he is shivering still, his body is reacting really strongly he never was.

tears falling down, i saw his tong sticking on his pallet.
i felt he is not ready.

and i just told him in his ears, sunday baccha, please if you are going then go peacefully now, i know you will be loved where ever you go, you will be here in me always, living in me with me.

we reached the hospital and as we reached dr checked his heart beat.
his heart is running, running like there is no beat, its just running like he has to just reach somewhere.

we are on the floor crying, and Dr said go for that injection, mercy killing.
and i said no.
as i said no, sunday stopped breathing.
and his soul left.

the next day i got a message from a friend, who didn't even know anything.
tappu please come and visit out animal shelter home, come play, work what ever you wanna do.

and my tears started falling, i knew its gonna happen, i got the sign when i met that girl on that lake.

and now i am spending my time with my 2 - 300 kids and friends at animal aid.
i could feel, the love sunday gave me it needs to flow.
love has to flow like river, life is for love and love is life.

stay blessed!
love
tappu

better together !

Wish you existed....
I was a seed under this ground, I grew with my strength and power of love.
I got roots of love to share with you.
I got leaf to give you shade.
My roots touches the sky, I move with the breeze.
These fruits give you strength now...
its been 10 years now we are traveling together inside out.
This sunlight treats me awesome.
And these fruits feeds you awesome.
How come I am moving from my base...
some one started cutting me off...
just for the coal and I am gonna be used again but for the death now.
I am going inside the ground back to create a new me.
I wish we could live together.....
we were better together.
Love
Tree.

wish she was demanding !

I entered this room with my baggage, and I saw ella moving her tail and getting excited for someone new entering her home.
She is black tall and small lite brown spot on her upper eyelid bone.
I am standing In this room, which is dark and I see one single bed on life, three chairs on my rite and two tables on my rite.
When you walk in near by the table in front of you there is another door, which they never open, you will get sunlight in the morning from this window near by that closed door.
There ella sleeps on the floor.
After walking in that room just after four steps there is Kitchen.
We kept talking for hours, she kept grieving for food and a playful activity.
The master kept dominating her to be quiet and then took her out, And in the morning you get the direct refined sunshine but which starts from that window and finishes in that kitchen that too in square shape.
We got our black coffee, and the smoking ceremony started since morning.


The master expressed that ella is his first priority and where ever he goes, she travels with him.
Master is a photograph and a film maker.


Next day entire day we were out in the market and came back in the evening and she was hungry waiting for her master to come back home and take her out.
And she got her white rise with little bit of milk.
When ever she wants to go out she starts barking just to let you know that she wants to pee or poop, but she would control till then.


She is not feeling comfortable in that small room with people and furniture, she wants to play she want to get loved, she needs the attention of her master.
Master is busy in his work all the time, without being busy.
On facebook connecting people and watching documentaries on computer.


She is three and got spayed when she was one, cause master travels and she travels with master.

Ella you are getting very much demanding and I am your master neither you are my master.


She kept looking him with those black eyes and her face on his knees.......

life or memory

This is the way you come in life and leave life.....
Empty inside....i am traveling alone places to places and meeting new people and living my time in the moment and then its in memory.
Unplanned trips just give me drift of life like life...without any prediction towards it.
I am with a purple bag pack and sleeping bag with few clothes and two books, traveling from north to south.
Some times in buses sometimes on bike sometimes walking...on the roads on in the traffic....in a local train...and on beaches.
On mountains and in the sea.
Sky my roof and water my clothes people my love and nature my soul.
Sitting at a friends place on the floor with my words which are coming from inside, the so called mind.
Moments which are gone and have become mental representation, people which passed through me and my connection have become now past moments....my words and my memories cant give a proof of there existence and there existence is imagination for me now.
Do they actually exist now in this world, where ? America, Germany or India...which is also non existential...
I just remember that I am an Indian through my memory....through my mind.
I have a cast, I have relations, I have people those who know me that I am tappu, a girl who lived in a city called Udaipur, a girl from some profession, a girl with face and skin.


My dreams are from past, my people are from past, my words are from past.....


my memory is from past....


you know me through past.......


is that reality...do I really exist for you, do you too...
do you feel me at this moment...just at this moment..............................
if you think you feel me..or someone right now......be in this moment or you will loose it too....that is imaginary.




1...2...3...memory...its gone..!

light inside !!

Experienced a burning field and adjacent a house which was an hour ago was lightning with candles and diwali diyas, kids were firing crackers and laughing and running with excitement.

A dog barking on the crackers and scared of it too. Then a lady came out with sweets and drinks.

Pooja is about to happen, lakshmi poojan for the goddess to enter your house in night, so that your house flourish with happiness and money.

They worship for an hour with the family and start celebrating diwali.

Every one wishes each other and you can see extra excitement on their faces, which is not usually there every day.

The girl wanted to go out of town for a experience in career, but relatives and parents want something else.

The man is talking on phone with his girlfriend to meet somewhere after half an hour and the wife is busy in the kitchen.

The kid is just firing crackers and laughing with the sound and noise of it.

The lady is tired of preparing food and want to take rest and wish to go outside for a walk or just to roam around with her husband, and waiting him to come back home.

Everyone is waiting……for the moment to come.

Everyone is following whatever has been followed.

And you see smiles on their faces for diwali they have made and in the next moment they are back to themselves.

Traditions, religions, followers, courage, fear………………………………………………………………

Naked lake!!

I am riding on a road to a place called unknown, this wind is affecting my face so gently and I can feel Goosebumps on my hands and the cool touch of this wind I can feel on my neck, and I could see trees dancing on the road with the wind, yellow butterflies passing soaring softly with the air.

Cows on the way busy eating, and with the turns on the road I whistle and riding my bike with a friend smoking behind and enjoying the moment we are having.

Passing a small tea shop, where villagers are standing having there tea and chattering.

I see a Water fall with green trees breathing everywhere and a guy bathing in it.

We stopped after an hour to a place where we go by walk on the rocks harmonizing ourselves on the river and hiked up on a mountain you could feel just that place.

Surrounded by mountains, trees, birds tweeting and water fall with small lake between it.

Shepherds passing with their goats and I could see water so clean that I could meet each fish face to face.

I sat there for a while gasping and feeling the silence of this serene lake, mild waves inside it and vortex carving on it with just a touch of my finger.

I could just feel my breath and that cold water slowly touching every part of my body and while floating inside I could feel fishes touching my skin and more and more free I was getting inside.

All I could feel was levity, when there is no gravity and it feels like floating in the air.

And I felt as if I was making love with the lake and as nature never see us naked or covered up.

For nature there is just one thing I feel is connection.

My naked body felt every moment of being there unknown and connected with the unknown.

And the other day I woke up floating inside the lake, the moment which is gone and this moment when I’m feeling it again it feel like a dream, my imagination wound not make it real right now cause only this moment is real not the imagination neither the dream which is gone neither a thought if I want to go back to the unknown again.

I am unknown to the lake and the unknown I came to know is still unknown inside.....

You are Notthing!!

You are nothing!!

You are the one who’s born.

You are the one who’s growing.

You are the one who’s conditioned.

You are the one who is learning.

You are the one who is falling.

You are the one who is rising.

You are the one who is suffering.

You are the one who’s affected.

You are the one infected.

You are the one ragged.

You are the one repaired.

You are the one pushed.

You are the one pulled.

You are the one swimming.

You are the one drowning.

You are the one standing.

You are the one bending.

You are the one dying.

You are the one flying.

You are the one stringed.

You are the one someone.

You are the one nothing.